please love me

they don't understand what iv been through no one dose well... to the extent that I do.

I v tried telling people so many times before, that I'm a confused and confusing person . that I have been through a lot of pain and when I say a lot I mean (A LOT) it all started when I was about 1-2 my mother and father were in love and loved me and my sister very much although my sister got taken away from us by cfs (child and family services) I had no idea why any of that was happening but life went on day by day my parents fell out of love for each other and had small fights and finely broke up me and my mom had to find a new place to live and when we did she started dating someone, who got into drugs and started abuseing me and my mom

sexually physically and mentally we lived in a small apartment I got the only room and my mom and her ex boyfriend slept in the living room we did not have much money at all we got abused on the daily then one day i was brought to a weird place small but it seemed like it was a important place I went in and I sat down with my mom and saw my dad and step mother they talked bout stuff and my mom was crying and I didn't understand why my mom was crying then shortly they took me in to a new room a very small room with lots of toys and they started asking me questions that I dident know why they were asking but then I started thinking and found my self thinking about one question (do you get hit or hurt by someone else at home)

I got scared and said no never my mommy and Justin would never hit me they love me and Iove them (where do u sleep) I said on a big bed I have my own room and lots of toys witch was true and but although my bed was not on a bed frame it was a bed (what do you eat for dinner usually) I said lots like kfc and mack and cheese etc and along with more questions.

even though I was young I still understood what they where trying to they were trying to take me away from my mother so I tried to say all the right answers but they didn't work they still took me away and they sent me home with my dad and step mom. as time went on my step mom got madder and madder at me every day I dident understand why I felt like she hated me and dident want me she would send me to bed without dinner if I did anything wrong and if I ever had a fit she she would lock me in my room and one time I was having a meeting with my worker and I was scared to say anything about what was happening but as soon as she left I started crying and screaming for her to come back and take me away from there I made her mad by doing that so she tied my to a chair and threw water in my face I cant remember if it was hot or cold any more but I'm pretty sure it was hot after a while of me screaming and her screaming right back in my face less then an inch away from my face I soon decided I did not want to live any more I wanted all the pain to stop I was only six and I had thoughts of suicide. I held my breath and started turning pink and then red and darker and darker all she did was laugh and yell for my brothers to see she said oh look abis terning pretty colors look pink red lets see if she can turn more pretty colors how about purple or green maybe blew I soon gave up and started crying and wondering why! I have to live this life why everybody hated me all of this happend while my dad was at work and I was too scared to tell him what was going on I had to go to bed at 7 while all my other brothers went to bed at 9 even my younger brother ant the one that was the same age as me I dident want to live my step my made me sleep on the floor in the laundry room beside the cat litter some nites and locked me out side some days

shortly a worker came and took me away to a new foster home a new family there names were Kathy and brian they had one other girl who lived there and her name was revay she was older then me and nice most of the time they picked me up in whitemouth and took me home grabbed an swim suit and took me to kenora ont. where I met my grand parents of that family they were so nice I loved them and I went swimming the first night while Kathy and my grandma watched I swam. Everything was peachy keen for a while then things got bad I threw my fits and Kathy only fed to them she would get so mad at me and lock me out side hit me hold me down on the ground and scream in my face telling me to shut the fuck up some nights I was left outside to sleep and it was cold only in my night gown I hated my life so much I gt bullied at school but I made my best friend at renolds elementary school her name is Celina we met in grade one me and her would have sleepovers every now and then

we were really good friends and like every good set of friends we had fights but we always forgave each other I loved being at her house becase her mom was like my second mom and I never wanted to go home becase I new as soon as I would get home all the love and

safety I felt would vanish just like that everything would go back to normal shouting sleeping out side and abuse and crying. everything went on and on my foster sister was treated badly also but it was always me treated worse I dident understand why tho it all just became a normal daily thing I would get yelled at sent out side to do yard work I would have to weed the gardens and cut the grass and clean up the yard shovel the snow rake the lawn clippings take out the trash haul the wood and so much more. I was a slave for the family and when we got a dog I fed it groomed it loved it and every thing. in the summer and winter and every season I was sent out side all day no sunscreen or bug spray nothing I lived with that for 7 years of my life and for 7 years of my life every Tuesday I would be picked up by a support worker and taken to play therapy ya it sounds fun and sometimes it was but the girl I saw always asked me questions that I dident like to answer I always wonderd why I was going to therapy when the person who needed therapy was my foster mom my.

my foster dad was very nice but dident intervene in what ever my foster mom was doing to me but I could tell he felt sad for me .... one day my grandpa (my foster moms dad) died and I cried so much and for the first time in my life I preyed to have him back to wake up and it was all a dream it never worked so I stared preying to see him one last time I preyed for that for a while till I gave up and then one day one Christmas eve I was in the kitchen with all my uncles and brothers and friends of the family and they told a really funny joke and I looked around the room to see every one laughing and then I saw him I saw my grandpa leaning against

my uncle terry and I was in shock I looked behind my uncle and he was gone I dident know what to say or do ... but anyway ...

so after that went on in between the seven years there was a time when I did move to a new foster home they were Christians and they were nice ... at first I was nine when I moved there and I still had fits sometimes but they were gatting meaner and meaner as the days went on the foster mom was named mary-ann she would always take me to church and tuck me in at bed time a pray with me and then the foster dad he was a drunk and smoked and was sorta nice but I could feel a weird vibe off him like he was a bad guy but he would always let me play on his drums while he worked but that's only the good parts. when ever I swore saying things like crap they would take me outside and grabed me by the arm pits just at the right spot so it would hurt and it really did then they would drag me around with out shoes or nothing to protect my legs and feet the ground was gravel and sticks the ground gave me scratches

and bruises that lasted for days they would drag me around for hours on end till finally they would stop and go to bed. my foster mom when ever she got really mad at me she would scream in my face with nasty smelling breath. I was depressed and evey one saw me as the depressed 10 year old sine I had my birthday there ... I was scared of her and him and dident understand how they could call them selves Christians. but one day I got a phone call from my worker and she asked me if I wanted to go back to Kathy and brains and I got so excited and said yes and honestly I was preying all along to go back there and god answered my cries for help.....

I went back thinking maybe things would be better they weren't it all started over again It was great at first then got worse and worse and would prey for safety but it never came to me for some reasone 2 more years went by and finally I was at school and got picked up in the middle of gym class and got taken to a new home for some reason I was sad but very happy I got taken to a new foster home the foster parents were named norma and lorne I loved them and they loved me and I was saved ! god saved me he helped me . I had no more abuse no more yelling at me no more anything just peace and I live in peace for two and a half years till I went to high school and tried out weed and liked it after that I skiped classes stayed out a nite and then finally it all came down to me bringing home weed and a police officer and a ifs the knife was only being used to throw at a wall.that night I got arrested for the first time I was put in a holding cell for a night and the let out in the morning after that I was taken to emergency foster home and there I stayed for a couple months but while I was there I tried helping out a friend well someone I thought was a friend but wasn't he put a half once of weed in the school and I went to retrieve it for him and I did but when I ran out of the school and got to the garage we found that the the weed was taken out and replaced by a bag in the sock I felt so bad after and the next day I went to school and got pulled into the office and police were there and they said that they caught me tacking the sock but then after they got mad because I tried to leave and they ramped me back into my cair I was confused and it wa my first year at high school so I felt like shit they sent me home with the emergency foster home and I was suspended for the rest of the week then they decided that I couldent come back at all I was devastated and sad but then a month latter I got told about a group home and they said that I would get so much freedom and the house would be basically mine and that there would be staff that would be there just to help cook and clean they lied to me when I got their everything was locked up shoes jackets and food I was depressed AGAIN and I had nothing to live for anymore I was cutting again and thinking about suicide again and I was just a wreck then they put me in a new school called kildonan east collegiate later school I would sit on my dresser and look out my window and just do nothing from the time I got home till the at least 3 in the morning then it all started over again I would wakeup go to school and sit on my dresser a do nothing .after a while I got bored and just started living life Again but it was a really bylaw life and after a while I got aggressive and mad for some reason idem way still but I am pretty sure its because of my life and how locked up it was I started assaulting the staff and gained charges and went to jail now iv been to jail 5 times and I'm not proud of it but anyway backed to the group home yes I hate it I'm o sick of police and yelling and the other girls and the staff and wakening up wondering who's going to be hear in the morning . I have been at the group home for almost a year on the 15th of February will be my one year mark and I hate it . Right now I am sitting in school in class writing this bio thank you for reading and please read more when I update my blogs -abi